Hot to make a five minute post for New Year's Eve

I wrote something and then did a quick google search for a clock. I saw the dancing cartoon one and thought, "Wow. That looks dumb."

So there it is. You too can make millions doing this same thing! Call now for my free tape that tells you how to order the booklet that has more information in it. I get them for free from my doctor's office but you can buy them now for the low low price of 6 cents.

For those who depend on this blog for all your news...

Today is the last day of the year. Please update your clocks accordingly.

-The Management

On a lighter note,

Here's a horse with its head stuck in a tree.

neither the horse nor the chainsaw were hurt during its removal

for the whole story go to: http://www.yourhorse.co.uk/Your-Horse-News/Search-Results/General-news/October-08/Oct-21-Mare-gets-head-stuck-in-tree/

Sometimes children have the same problem

This would be really bad if it was your arm

That sure would be awkward.

Why Nobody Likes Santa

Every year thousands of Children are placed unwillingly on the laps of men dressed this way to fulfill a desire no child has.

Here's the problem: A parent will say, "Santa Claus is at the mall. Do you want to go sit on his lap?"

The child nods his head about a million times on the way to see Santa, but the lap is there, and screams of agony ensue.

Why? Didn't the child want this?

No.

When a parent says, "Santa Claus is at the mall. Do you want to go sit on his lap?"

All the child hears is, "Santa Claus --mall -- - want?"

Maybe a mathematical equation will help to illustrate.

According to grown-ups the North Pole is full of toys, and Santa's basically King. So you're telling me that this old man with nothing better to do than give away free toys is sitting at the mall right now waiting to take orders?

What sane kid's gonna turn that down?

But then you get there and its not even close to what you expected. The guy smells like someone else's stinky laundry detergent. There's no flying deer anywhere and when you ask him about it, he gives you some lame excuse about them being back at the north pole because the elves wanted to play games with them.

If you had flying deer, would you leave them at home?

Who is this guy?

And why can't he stop laughing?

So as you begin questioning the legitimacy of the experience he tells you to sit on his lap.

Fat chance Dirt Bag!

So there.

I wasn't any more interested in sitting on an old man's lap than any other kid in America. 

The only reason any of us ever waited in that dumb line was to make sure we got on the "Commercially Successful Toys" list so we wouldn't end up with that boring wooden crap the elves were always making in movies.

This was honestly supposed to be worth staying up all night for.

For the protection of our readers:

Please be cautioned this holiday season of the dangers of cup cakes in personal vehicles. Be advised. Cup holders are not for cup cakes. The design fails completely. You will loose the use of both the cup holder and the cake, also your fingers will be covered with a lot of sticky icing from trying to get it out.

What if you don't have a chimney?

Only slightly less popular than the Tooth Fairy or Easter Bunny was Santa's estranged nephew, Larry, who used to sneak into houses by climbing up through the toilet to leave presents for the children in the hallway or on the stairs to be discovered later by falling parents. The tradition never caught on and was finally banned by the Imaginary Persons And Creatures Board of Responsibility on grounds that the public at large neither recognized nor celibrated the tenth of February. He now practices psychiatry in Saskatchewan. 

Bed Wetting

It's interesting that as a child you think you're the loan freak when in fact the truth is that most of the kids at school only knew what it was because they did it.


You're really only one step up from diapers. I'm pretty sure a few kids in my kindergarten class still wore them.
Imagine you didn't know what it was.
Imagine the shock of first finding out that it even happened; that people actually went to the bathroom while still laying in bed... all over themselves.


Imagine that reaction.
Then compare it with how they all acted when somebody actually got accused of doing it.


Not even close.
They knew very well that feeling of relief; the growing warmth; the unstoppable dread as you realized that you weren't in a bathroom at all! It was a dream! This was a bed! Your bed! You tried to stop but it was impossible. So then you'd have to lay there covered in a gallon of your own urine at 1:13 in the morning wondering what to do next.


They were guilty; every last one of them.


Accusing the ugly kid made everybody feel better though.

Don Poncho

Don Poncho at work from Ben Brooksby on Vimeo.