For those who depend on this blog for all your news...

Today is the last day of the year. Please update your clocks accordingly.

-The Management

Why Nobody Likes Santa

Every year thousands of Children are placed unwillingly on the laps of men dressed this way to fulfill a desire no child has.

Here's the problem: A parent will say, "Santa Claus is at the mall. Do you want to go sit on his lap?"

The child nods his head about a million times on the way to see Santa, but the lap is there, and screams of agony ensue.

Why? Didn't the child want this?

No.

When a parent says, "Santa Claus is at the mall. Do you want to go sit on his lap?"

All the child hears is, "Santa Claus --mall -- - want?"

Maybe a mathematical equation will help to illustrate.

According to grown-ups the North Pole is full of toys, and Santa's basically King. So you're telling me that this old man with nothing better to do than give away free toys is sitting at the mall right now waiting to take orders?

What sane kid's gonna turn that down?

But then you get there and its not even close to what you expected. The guy smells like someone else's stinky laundry detergent. There's no flying deer anywhere and when you ask him about it, he gives you some lame excuse about them being back at the north pole because the elves wanted to play games with them.

If you had flying deer, would you leave them at home?

Who is this guy?

And why can't he stop laughing?

So as you begin questioning the legitimacy of the experience he tells you to sit on his lap.

Fat chance Dirt Bag!

So there.

I wasn't any more interested in sitting on an old man's lap than any other kid in America. 

The only reason any of us ever waited in that dumb line was to make sure we got on the "Commercially Successful Toys" list so we wouldn't end up with that boring wooden crap the elves were always making in movies.

This was honestly supposed to be worth staying up all night for.

For the protection of our readers:

Please be cautioned this holiday season of the dangers of cup cakes in personal vehicles. Be advised. Cup holders are not for cup cakes. The design fails completely. You will loose the use of both the cup holder and the cake, also your fingers will be covered with a lot of sticky icing from trying to get it out.

A Boy, a Bike, a Tow Truck, and What Happened to all the Limeade

Last night Aaron and I attended a little party to celebrate St. Patrick's day.

We spent most of the evening talking to a girl who was practicing for a dialect exam. Its slightly unnerving to converse with someone about their life and interests when they're faking an Irish accent the entire time.

Our hostess was also practicing, but she spent most of the evening on the couch surrounded by eager young suitors. She'd break away every so often, but one of these times some guy who rode over on a huffy and was looking for someone with a truck so he wouldn't have to ride it home, but could still keep it with him decided it'd be a good idea to kiss her on the lips for making a face at him. Ordinarily that'd be a bit unusual since up to this point a date between the two hadn't even transpired, but these are actors, and so the gesture was met with laughter, appreciation, and the compliment that the young man with the bike was a "real man".
Considering the relationships in the room shed an interesting light on this statement. The room was filled with beautiful women. Hovering over some of them were uneasy men. Upon interviewing several of these I found that none of the guys in dating relationships were actors. One six foot something said he didn't have anything against singing and dancing, but that he didn't participate on stage. His significant other tried to pat him on the head for this remark, but settled on the elbow since that's about as far as she could reach.
Another guy was in marketing and admitted he'd never been to one of these. He'd met his actress just before the Holidays at a brother's ward Christmas party. She'd performed some music that made him wonder if she needed of a boyfriend. He went up afterward and found out the position had already been filled. Apparently Christmas didn't go as planned though because two weeks later she was single. His brother did the recon and within two weeks of being single again she wasn't. He told us all this while she competed with four or five other women for center stage. A camera was produced and suddenly every actress in the room rushed for the center to pose for a group photo. Kind of like a black hole really.
As we watched the excited youths try to outdo one another he realized his car was in danger of being towed and had to excuse himself. He didn't resurface for the entire evening. The girl of his dreams held her own with the others for the next hour and a half before realizing he'd gone.
While the hugs goodbye commenced the "real man" with the huffy decided he needed a drink. Despairing that the limeade was all gone he scoured the counter tops of green plastic party cups. To his delight he announced that there was still some limeade left, and quenched his thirst with the remaining left overs. I suppose he considered the statistical probability that the unfinished cups belonged to women rather than men and that drinking from them would hopefully be a bit like kissing every girl in the room. This of course was confirmed when he announced that the red smudge on one of his new cups was in fact lip stick.

How delicious.