Rise and Rise Again, till Lambs Become Lions

I find my tolerance for older single men waining.

Granted,

I used to be one.

Still am in fact

... sort of.

But remember Robin Hood.

Even though he lived in the forest with a bunch of guys doing cool things like swimming and hunting and shooting bad guys, he still had Maid Marian off in a castle pining away for him.

Even if you appear single, you should always have a Maid Marian. Its really nice.

I know this because I've found mine. But she's about two-thousand miles away right now so I have time to do this.

No, the real problem lies with young men who lack nothing, but the gumption to rise up and be men. That's an old phrase so I imagine it's an old problem. I just happen to be of the right age and circumstance to have finally noticed it myself.

I have nothing against the socially inept,

of which we are all members in varying degrees.

But there are some among us, too many I feel, that would rather go back to being fourteen than face the reality that time advances on almost a yearly basis.

I'm 28 years old. When am I going to grow up? I find a wonderful remedy is to look at one's life and recognize what is different now that you are 28... or whatever ripe old number you choose.

You can vote.

You can buy firearms without a parent.

You can open and close bank accounts, get a real job, drive your own car, and not live at home.

If I want to eat, I have to go to the store and buy groceries. The magical self clearing table and self emptying sink is gone from my life.

If I want clean dishes and to avoid botchulism, I have to clean them with dish soap.

I have to buy it.

At a store.

That means a certain amount of my income has to be spent on things I don't drool over in catalogs.

The magic of the bedroom and bathroom floor also disappeared when I moved out of my parent's home. My clothes have forgotten how to clean themselves and appear in my drawer hours after hitting the floor.

The startling thing to me is the number of men my age who still think these things just magically take care of themselves; that if you leave things out, they will somehow organize themselves and be found, clean, folded, sparkling, and or sorted neatly in some appointed place without any effort on your own part.

Its maddening.

And that's leaving out all the other strikingly annoying perceptions and habits of single guys my age- one of which is dating.

I get that rejection stinks.

And I get that sometimes it seems like nobody is interested.

And I further get that "it used to be easier."

And when it stopped being easy was probably about the time you got dumped or dissed or jilted or something horrible which no one else could possibly understand because it was the first time in the history of the world that someone felt lied to and got broken-hearted.

Guess WHAT! Everybody faces rejection!

IT IS A REALITY.

Perhaps we should thank rejection for just a moment for allowing us the chance to move beyond our first crush which we forgot all about because it was kindergarten.

If it weren't for rejection, you would be stuck with that girl from junior high. The one that liked you because she didn't know you yet and that you didn't like back.

Yeah.

That one.

Without rejection, you'd be married to her. So thank rejection.

Please.

It bugs me.

Why can't a guy that is this old learn that when a girl rejects you, you should stop pursuing?

Should he not have learned this years ago? Learn to read body language. There are books on it. Read one. When you've met someone and they seem really nice at first but then turn cold and are hard to get a hold of, stop trying. Just leave her alone. You're wasting your time, making her uncomfortable, and making yourself a nuisance.

Go away.

Also can guys stop singing the inverted Snow White song of, "Someday my princess will come."?

This is not how it works!

She doesn't come to you.

I know too many who think the idea of arranged marriage is a good one.

You have no taste.

Get some.

Your obligation and duty as an adult male is to go out into the world and find HER.

This involves dating.

You have to try out different people and relationships and get to know how to behave generally so that by the time you get to be my age, you're already married because no girl could resist the man you've become.

You've got to learn that its not fun being alone forever.

And if its not, then how much is it worth to not be.

And if its worth a lot like we're talking up there with breathing, then you'd better learn that when you see a girl you have interest in, and you haven't met her, and you still don't have a date, there had better be Hellishly good reasons why not, like that your face is on fire and your hands are chained to an enraged grizzly bear on PCP.

If you look around and none of those things are happening, you better get over there and meet her because if she's good enough to notice, she's good enough to date.

Your excuses will kill you.

Stop thinking before you do something good.

Treat this like the latest dumb thing you did. Did any consequence cross your mind before you did whatever it was you did?

NO.

SO WHY NOW???

Stop it immediately. Stand up and be men.

And can we stop with the high school girl thinking puzzles?

I get that girl's mature faster than boys, but is this really where you are?

When you've met someone interesting, but things seem to be kind of impossible and you aren't sure if this could work out or not- STOP.

Stop your stupid internal dialogue. You've only been on one date anyway.

There's only one question you need to ask yourself,

"Am I still interested?"

If the answer is yes, then you go out again and you find out how you feel from the actual reality of being with her, not at home or on long drives.

If you have something to say, say it to her.

Stop telling your friends what you're wondering.

Build some freaking intimacy between you and her and ask her directly what she thinks about things. You'll get a lot farther, and your friends will respect you more because you don't sound like a sixteen year old girl anymore.

And if you're not interested anymore, stop calling her.

Can we also stop feeling inadequate, unattractive and altogether lost in life?

I am tired of hearing people say how lost they feel.

This is life. Its supposed to be a surprise!

If you plan on getting married someday, having a career, and even a family, then do something about it.

Can everybody just stop worrying about the future for a moment and evaluate what you've learned about the world at this point,

what goals you've set for your future,

what accomplishments no matter how small you've made,

and then start to feel good about it?

Can you please just stop complaining and appreciate for one small moment the infinitesimally small contribution you've made in the world?

Can you for one moment look forward to the future with a little bit of confidence and say to yourself,

"That's where I'm going to be. And this is what I'm going to do to get there."

You find whatever you can do to advance.

You figure out some way to work on it every week and you write it down.

And then you do it.

This practice will give you confidence and direction. You'll find yourself more confident in your future because you're doing something about it today, and you know it. And when you do find someone you're interested in, you'll have developed a direction for your life.

If you plan on growing up someday and getting married, chances are the girl you marry will love you.

Quite a lot actually.

So can you start living like you mean it?

If someone is going to love and adore you, then maybe you ought to start figuring out why.

Then maybe you can walk with a little confidence that you actually do possess some good qualities.

In a world where childhood seems to be extending farther and farther into adulthood, can some of us stand up and shine a little.

Manhood, adulthood, and Robin Hood are what we should be growing up to be. Especially Robin Hood because he could shoot arrows and Maid Marian couldn't live without him.

So go find her.

How to be Romantic

Love and Cape Disappointment.

I'm sitting here listening to a really loud Latin woman in the other room talking to some guy about the deficiencies of math classes. Why are Latin women so loud? And nothing against people getting together, but what's with dumb white guys that think they're making progress when they have a conversation with a woman that has no interest in them?

"Hi family. This is my new boyfriend, Brian." Hector glances out of the corner of his eye at Miguel who's fists tighten. Brian smiles and waves obliviously.

What is going on in this guy's head??? She likes dancing, amazing food, and talking really loud to her Latin friends.

He likes world of war craft, Cheetos, and his mom's Toyota echo.

She's attracted to tall dark guys that speak Portuguese. The kind with eyes that flash when he smiles which only occurs when he sees her. The rest is a steely eyed glare.

He on the other hand is attracted to... well, her right now. Why? Because she's everything that's never rejected him in the past. He sees all the things they have in common like, being in the same class, or both living in America right now. She has long hair unlike his mother and sisters. She has skin tone... she's shaped like a girl. These are things he never noticed before that now seem to answer every problem he's ever had with women.

And on top of every other glaring compatibility is the fact that Fate has brought them together, the same matchmaker that's brought all the great loves of the world together.

He turns from his happy daydreaming back to the girl he will soon make his wife, but what's this!

Who is this foreigner? And why is he kissing her???

The relationship which bloomed so spontaneously five minutes ago now comes crashing to the Earth in a burning screeching fireball of deathness and woe. And so ends another beautiful romance that might have been...

A Dangled Arm

Guys attribute physical interaction to love. John Bytheway made this point once.

Girls grow up in a world where its socially acceptable for them to hold hands, hug, and skip around with their friends. But for guys this is a rare occurrence. So when he decides he's going to put his arm around her, that's significant... FOR HIM. Usually. Holding hands is even more so. This may not occur to most girls who feel the relationship hasn't gained any depth yet. She's right. But the guy thinks all these handsy things are love. The only thing pressing on his mind now is "When do we start kissing?" This of course will mean, "We are completely in love." at which point he will say it. The girl will wince and manage an awkward "Thanks." but the guy won't think too much about it since the proof is in the pudding and the lips have now joined in holy infatuation.

This concept doesn't effect all men across the board. There are those who get physical for the fun of it with no intention of any kind of commitment. Its up to you to decide which mentality you're dealing with. Just realize that with some guys, an arm hung limply over your shoulder one evening means PROGRESS!

A not-so-subtle DTR can be expected some time after lunch in the next few days.

This is the reason its so important to learn assertiveness. Its true that no woman should ever have to be the one to say no, but its also true that the world is full of ineptitude. So if you've got it together, don't rely on the guy's lack of morals, self control, or social experience to dictate where things lead. Shrug the arm off. Wriggle the hand free of his clammy grasp, and keep ducking those sloppy kisses. Guys don't get hints very well so these subtleties may need verbal reinforcement. "No." is a nice clear statement, but its short so expound on it a little if he needs it. If you fail to spell things out, he may think you mean try harder.

Perhaps one of the difficulties in this is the view that rejective behavior is rude or mean. To this I simply reply, "buy lots of chapstick." You're going to basically belong to this guy now for however long it takes you to cowboy up and say what you honestly feel.

Being assertive doesn't always have to be rude but if you feel you were, good job. You're getting the hang of this. In most cases the guy is going to do one of two things. One type will feel bad that he pushed you and slowly learn through a gentle series of bumps and scrapes that women don't want his hands all over them, let alone his mouth. You shouldn't be the one to provide the whole education. Let you rejection be a part of the series.

The other type will most likely freak out emotionally refusing to take responsibility for any of his actions. He'll label you as deceptive and cold-hearted and go home to tell all of his friends who will properly bouey him up. He'll then assail you with texts and emails justifying his position. Let none of this have any sway on you. This guy isn't worth your time. His behavior is childish. And the fact that he tells all his friends shouldn't bother you either since most of these spend a great deal of time in front of a gaming station and fail to use any kind of deodorant. Believe me when I say that anyone of consequence who hears the story won't judge you. Quite the opposite will happen. Rejecting a guy's physical advances can never be construed as rude by normal society. We believe in protecting women in this country. Thousands if not millions are on your side.

A man's number one job, duty, obligation on any date is not to entertain you, feed you, or make you fall in love with him. His job is to protect you. You should be safe with him; physically and emotionally. The guy's job is to provide a setting where you can get to know each other honestly and enjoy each other's company. If you aren't safe with him, that can't happen. So I hate to keep heaping it on but, learn to differentiate who you want to spend time with. Find guys who respect you and show appropriate affection.

Lest anyone think I'm prohibiting hand holding, hugging, dangling a limp arm over her shoulder or even kissing from the dating scene, No.

Physical affection has its proper place, but its not a man's prerogative to push these onto the woman. Start reading things. Not books. HER.

Listen to her. Notice her body language and freaking respond to it. If you're bad at this, practice. Go to a cafe or restaurant and watch couples. See if you can tell which couples want to be together and which ones don't. Body language: very important.

She needs time to process things and consider her feelings. Let her do that! As soon as you start "advancing" or whatever you want to call it, you'll lose her because you make it impossible for her to feel what she may very well want to feel for you. Its complicated stuff and everyone is their own person so respect that. Make sure she's safe with you.


Remember, you can't make someone fall in love with you no matter how much you dangle an arm over her shoulder. This only works in daydreams.