A Dangled Arm

Guys attribute physical interaction to love. John Bytheway made this point once.

Girls grow up in a world where its socially acceptable for them to hold hands, hug, and skip around with their friends. But for guys this is a rare occurrence. So when he decides he's going to put his arm around her, that's significant... FOR HIM. Usually. Holding hands is even more so. This may not occur to most girls who feel the relationship hasn't gained any depth yet. She's right. But the guy thinks all these handsy things are love. The only thing pressing on his mind now is "When do we start kissing?" This of course will mean, "We are completely in love." at which point he will say it. The girl will wince and manage an awkward "Thanks." but the guy won't think too much about it since the proof is in the pudding and the lips have now joined in holy infatuation.

This concept doesn't effect all men across the board. There are those who get physical for the fun of it with no intention of any kind of commitment. Its up to you to decide which mentality you're dealing with. Just realize that with some guys, an arm hung limply over your shoulder one evening means PROGRESS!

A not-so-subtle DTR can be expected some time after lunch in the next few days.

This is the reason its so important to learn assertiveness. Its true that no woman should ever have to be the one to say no, but its also true that the world is full of ineptitude. So if you've got it together, don't rely on the guy's lack of morals, self control, or social experience to dictate where things lead. Shrug the arm off. Wriggle the hand free of his clammy grasp, and keep ducking those sloppy kisses. Guys don't get hints very well so these subtleties may need verbal reinforcement. "No." is a nice clear statement, but its short so expound on it a little if he needs it. If you fail to spell things out, he may think you mean try harder.

Perhaps one of the difficulties in this is the view that rejective behavior is rude or mean. To this I simply reply, "buy lots of chapstick." You're going to basically belong to this guy now for however long it takes you to cowboy up and say what you honestly feel.

Being assertive doesn't always have to be rude but if you feel you were, good job. You're getting the hang of this. In most cases the guy is going to do one of two things. One type will feel bad that he pushed you and slowly learn through a gentle series of bumps and scrapes that women don't want his hands all over them, let alone his mouth. You shouldn't be the one to provide the whole education. Let you rejection be a part of the series.

The other type will most likely freak out emotionally refusing to take responsibility for any of his actions. He'll label you as deceptive and cold-hearted and go home to tell all of his friends who will properly bouey him up. He'll then assail you with texts and emails justifying his position. Let none of this have any sway on you. This guy isn't worth your time. His behavior is childish. And the fact that he tells all his friends shouldn't bother you either since most of these spend a great deal of time in front of a gaming station and fail to use any kind of deodorant. Believe me when I say that anyone of consequence who hears the story won't judge you. Quite the opposite will happen. Rejecting a guy's physical advances can never be construed as rude by normal society. We believe in protecting women in this country. Thousands if not millions are on your side.

A man's number one job, duty, obligation on any date is not to entertain you, feed you, or make you fall in love with him. His job is to protect you. You should be safe with him; physically and emotionally. The guy's job is to provide a setting where you can get to know each other honestly and enjoy each other's company. If you aren't safe with him, that can't happen. So I hate to keep heaping it on but, learn to differentiate who you want to spend time with. Find guys who respect you and show appropriate affection.

Lest anyone think I'm prohibiting hand holding, hugging, dangling a limp arm over her shoulder or even kissing from the dating scene, No.

Physical affection has its proper place, but its not a man's prerogative to push these onto the woman. Start reading things. Not books. HER.

Listen to her. Notice her body language and freaking respond to it. If you're bad at this, practice. Go to a cafe or restaurant and watch couples. See if you can tell which couples want to be together and which ones don't. Body language: very important.

She needs time to process things and consider her feelings. Let her do that! As soon as you start "advancing" or whatever you want to call it, you'll lose her because you make it impossible for her to feel what she may very well want to feel for you. Its complicated stuff and everyone is their own person so respect that. Make sure she's safe with you.


Remember, you can't make someone fall in love with you no matter how much you dangle an arm over her shoulder. This only works in daydreams.