History is important.
If you don't know it, you'll probably repeat it.
Kids these days are lazy and don't know their history. At least that's what my doctor told me during one of my last $378 dollar visits while he tried to convince me to show some of his favorite BBC history shows at the TV station I work for.
So for the literally hundreds of people out there that have been waiting, here is the true ungarnished, non embellished story of how we really got the very first Thanksgiving.
Don't repeat it.
Thousands of years ago in Spain lived a man who liked nothing better than a good long trip to China. But his wife complained it was too long and, “You're so smart anyway why don'tcha find a quicker way or find a different wife to drag along.”
He agreed and in no time he and his three ships, The Nino the Pinto and the Santa Mario, that he borrowed from the Spanish Navy, were out on the open sea, sailing and singing gayly. But as the years wore on the singing grew less and less gay till it stopped completely. The men on board were just about to dump the guy overboard when the shout was heard, “Land ho!”
As the crew elbowed their way forward to their first glimpse of China they were surprised to not see the bustling skyscrapers of Beijing, and they grumbled in disgust as you might imagine. “India!” The man declared! “We've discovered a new route to India!”
As the crew threw up their hands with joy and began shouts of “Yay!” they were suddenly attacked from behind by giant Sea Beasts of a particularly veracious temperament. In seconds the crew, the three ships, everything in fact besides the left overs were completely devoured. The man known as Columbus miraculously survived, and so with his plank of wood as flotation, he began the swim back to his portage in Spain.
The next morning, he washed up on a famous Spanish beach whose name and location is lost to history but preserved in children's nursery rhyme. What we do know however is that the ship owners in Spain, a.k.a. Royalty, were completely unwilling to give Columbus any more boats to go sink on the far away shores of India. They also had some ridiculous notion that he should pay for them. So to appease them he gave them Mexico. When they asked were that was, he pointed to southern India. With dreams of a popular new cuisine and glorious battles against coon-skin capped individuals in churches, they graciously excepted and that's how we got burritos. But how did we come to Thanksgiving?
England,
Columbus' next choice for boats happened to have just what he was looking for. A man had a notice out that he had a ship full of people who were being kicked out of England for wearing their belts on their hats, and had no place to go but the open ocean since France refused sanctuary. This man, Ted Plymoth was contacted by Columbus shortly after about maybe possibly letting him guide the social outcasts along his new route to India. Ted thought that sounded alright since anyone traveling to a new land from England was automatically allowed to name it after himself, so was the exploration bonanza of the time.
So with glorious thoughts of a new Continent of Plymoth, the pilgrims and Mr. Columbus set out on the Mayflower which was latin for wood that floats or something like that, to find a new home far across the sea.
On the way there they ran out of food so they had to kill mermaids to survive. Finally they sighted land, but it was unlike any land they'd seen in England.
Just as Christopher Columbus was about to tell the amazed pilgrims that they should watch out and keep their heads low because this was about where his men were attacked before, a giant sea beast rose up out of the water and snatched him by the head,
and that was the end of the greatest man that ever lived.
But the pilgrims acted fast. They got out their machine guns and sawed that sea beast into little tiny chunks. That attracted a lot of Seaguls which was a good thing because they helped hide the boat. The Pilgrims looked back out at the land before them unlike any land they'd ever seen before.
Giant long necked lizard things were wandering around on the beach chasing the natives and eating them. The Pilgrims thought it might be a good idea to turn around and go back to England but they couldn't because the tide was going out and they were stuck on a big rock.
Ted Plymouth decided to name it after himself. So everybody decided rather than stay on the stupid boat and wait for another Plymouth beast to come around and eat them like the one that got Columbus they'd lower the Plymouth boats and go ashore to see what this new land of Plymouth had to offer.
Unfortunately for Ted, he fell on his way down to one of the Plymouth boats and drowned so they decided to name the land after his brothers Amer and Ica. As soon as they hit the shore a pack of velociraptors attacked the group dragging off several screaming individuals.
While this was happening a guy named John Smith aka our hero decided to chase after them and save the screaming people, but he soon lost them in the thick jungle. Over the sound of screaming he heard the beautiful sound of a girl singing about leaves and air blowing around. He soon found her and fell in love and was never seen again.
The remaining pilgrims mustered their courage and started a fort right there on the beach. As they busied themselves shooting anything that moved the natives watched from the forest forming their own opinions. The most popular conclusion was that these strange looking people were white devils from heck that wanted to kill everything and take the land to build K-Marts and Piggly Wigglies.
But one man named Squanto saw something good in these white devils and perhaps if they could just make friends with them, they could use the new pilgrim weapons to defeat the reptilian beasts and make the land safe again for children and wild flowers.
Most of the elders called him a long haired hippie till he demonstrated the superior firepower of the pilgrims by rushing a heard of apatosauruses down onto the beach in direct firing range of the new Jamestown Colony mortars.
When the smoke cleared and hunks of meat stopped falling from the sky. The Native American's and the pilgrims decided they should stop the senseless violence between themselves and join with each other temporarily to defeat the dinosaur scum infesting the island of America.
So they did.
They killed off every last dinosaur on the continent. To celebrate they cooked up all the lizard pieces and had a party where they sat outside at the end of November to eat because neither group wanted to invite the other group over to their houses for the dinner. It was pretty cold so this one really sappy pilgrim decided to go around the table and see what people were thankful for. And So was born the age old holiday of Thanksgiving.
And if you look closely today, you'll notice that on your thanksgiving table is the corpse of a bird flat on its back with its feet in the air, just like all the tyrannosaurs we had to fry back in the day a thousand years ago when we killed the dinosaurs.
We would like to add a disclaimer that this blog nor its subsidiaries endorse or condone any violence or maleficence toward dinosaurs be they herbivorous or otherwise disposed.
We like dinosaurs because they are special.
